


To Thine Own Self Be True

by keerawa



Category: This Alien Shore - C. S. Friedman
Genre: Gen, Misses Clause Challenge, Multiple Personalities, Neurodiversity, Post-Canon, Yuletide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-23 13:13:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16619624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keerawa/pseuds/keerawa
Summary: They don't have psychiatrists on Guera.  They have 'life counselors'. And Jamisia's been assigned the best in the business.





	To Thine Own Self Be True

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/gifts).



> Thanks to my betas, Dee and Zwangzug.

“University starts in one E-month,” Hiroko reminded Jamisia. Her Gueran ‘life counselor’ was dressed in casual hi-G clothing and curled up on a soft floor pillow, her _kaja_ a combination of _nantana_ , _tanji_ , and something else Jamisia still hadn’t identified.  “Have you registered for classes yet?”

 _We need to sign-up for the data security class,_ Raven said immediately. _Dr. Masada said he would hold a space for us._

 _Don’t forget that martial arts class,_ Derik added groggily. _If Shido Corporation comes after us again, I need to be able to protect us._

 _What if we get hurt?_ Zusu whimpered. _We’re not strong or smart enough for those classes._

 _We should learn something practical that will help us earn a living,_ Verina insisted. _We can’t rely on Gueran hand-outs forever._

 _One message to Phoenix and we’ll be set.  He’d enjoy a chance to show off by stealing credits for us,_ Katlyn said smugly.

“Oh,” Hiroko said brightly, “It’s lovely to see you.”

“See who?” Jamisia asked, glancing uncertainly around the cheerfully cluttered office that looked out over a busy Gueran cityscape.

“All the other souls within you.”

Jamisia froze. _Shhhh, be quiet_ , she warned them _._ “The Others?”

Hiroko tilted her head.  “The … Others, yes,” she said, capitalizing the word as she said it.  “One of my wives is a _kaja_ -artist.  She works with young people, or those who have gone through a great change, to help them design a _kaja_ that will express their truest self.  She would be honored to meet with each of you.”

Jamisia licked her lips nervously.  “Can’t I just, you know, stick with the _rusa?”_ she asked, gesturing to her face where Zusu had painstakingly drawn the black lines.  Zusu wielded the tool every morning as if she were carving the _kaja_ into their flesh, ever since they’d learned there was a word for what they were.  One other than the Earth words that still echoed through her head sometimes. _Crazy. Sick. Broken. Wrong._

“Certainly,” Hiroko said.  “But what about the Others? As a _nantana_ , I can tell easily enough who is looking out those eyes at me.  The body language alone is unmistakable. But Guerans of other _kaja_ would be left without the information they need to interact with you productively and safely. Unless — Jamisia, surely you don’t intend to keep control of the body all the time?”

Hiroko looked well and truly upset at the thought.  Jamisia felt a moment’s nostalgia for the days when she was alone in her own body, and her own mind.  But even then, there’d been lost time, strange objects showing up in her room... no.  No, they were all in this together. “No, we, uh, we share.  Sometimes.”

 _Or else you’d never get laid_ , Katlyn said tartly, and then snickered at Jamisia’s sudden blush at the memories from two nights ago.

“Good,” Hiroko said.  “That’s important.  I can help all of you explore the proper balance.  Any of you are welcome to speak with me at any time, but it might be wise to make at least one separate appointment for each, to avoid competition and ensure that quieter ones have their chance to be heard.”

Derik shifted forward and Jamisia let him, not fighting for control like she used to. “Could I make an appointment for the afternoon? I’m not much of a morning person,” he said, pushing Jamisia’s skirt down awkwardly between his legs.  Derik felt almost naked, knowing she could see the real him.

“Certainly,” she said with a kind smile, eyes going vague as she used her headset to check her schedule.  “Would fourteen-hundred, two days from now, work?”

He checked with the girls before agreeing.

“And what name should I put down for the appointment?” she asked.

He could have said ‘Jamisia.’ He considered it, but … they needed to learn to do this, and it was his job to go first, to be brave for them all. “Derik,” he said firmly.

“A pleasure to meet you, Derik,” she said.

The girls all crowded forward to meet Hiroko, to be seen and heard and make their own appointments.

“Excellent,” Hiroko said several minutes later.  “My wife Mia can join us for those sessions, to design the _kaja_ for each soul. Is that everyone?”

“Except for the children,” Verina said. “They don’t come out very often.”

“And what of the one who bears the Syndrome?” Hiroko asked.

Verina pulled back, leaving Jamisia in charge of the body.  It was quiet in her head.  So quiet that His whimpering sobs, always present, echoed in her mind. “Is that what this is about? You’re just like Shido Corporation.  He’s the one you want, isn’t He?  The Guildmistress only invited me to Geura so you could get one more precious Outpilot for your ships,” she spat. 

Her heart began to pound, triggering her wellseeker.  ADRENALINE SURGE, it notified her. PULSE RACING. BLOOD PRESSURE IN THE YELLOW ZONE. ACTION?

NONE, she told it fiercely, backing away from the doctor towards the door.  She wouldn’t be trapped in here with the enemy.  Not again.

Hiroko sat very still, not moving a muscle as the windows slowly opaqued towards darkness, leaving the room bathed in a cool blue light. The door hissed open at her frantic command, but it was too bright out there, too loud, too many people.  They were safer in here.  She ordered the door closed.

“Those with the Syndrome _are_ precious to us, but not in the way you think,” Hiroko said softly.  “They are the true _natsiq_. Guildmembers wear that _kaja_ to honor them.  For all Guerans our Variation is both a blessing and a curse.  But that burden falls heaviest upon those with the Syndrome.  Without constant biomechanical and pharmaceutical intervention they suffer, every moment of every day, from the most terrible fear. With proper interventions they are able to function within our society; yet they are never, not for a moment, their true selves.  Not on this side of the _ainniq._ They are the only Guerans with wellseekers programmed to medicate and restabilize, without the user’s choice in the matter.  It is for their own safety.  As you are _rusa_ , I am uncertain if this will be necessary for you when symptoms of the Syndrome manifest within your mind and body, or if you can manage without biomedical intervention.”

Zusu curled around Him, sobbing with Him, and Verina ran gentle hands through His hair.  He retreated further, far enough so Jamisia could think.  There were tears running down her face. She roughly wiped them away with her sleeve. “We’ll think about it,” she said, her voice rough with tears.

Hiroko nodded.  She took a step closer, and when Jamisia didn’t react, sat down next to her.  “We do not require those with the Syndrome to become Outpilots.  Some decide not to risk themselves.  But those who do choose to enter the _ainniq_ , to scream and fly, dodging the _sana_ in the ecstasy of terror that is Heusmann’s gift to them — for those few hours, they are free.  It is, I believe, the closest they come to happiness in this life. And so I would, with your permission, offer that choice to the soul that, even now, cowers within you.”  Hiroko assessed Jamisia and then, eyes shining with tears, opened her arms in a mute offer.

Jamisia lurched forward into the hug and buried her face against Hiroko’s shoulder.  _Can we trust her?_ she wondered.

Katlyn moved their hand a touch, so it was curled around the back of Hiroko’s neck. _Her pulse isn’t elevated, and I can’t see any other tells she’s lying_ , she said.

 _She could have set her wellseeker to control those kinds of physiological reactions,_ Raven countered.

 _Even if she hasn’t, she’s a nantana,_ Verina added.  _They’re meant to be good at manipulating people._

 _But she’s a tanji, too,_ Jamisia reminded them. _Doesn’t that mean that she serves her community, above all else?_

 _Sure.  But what’s her community?_ Derik asked.  _Us, her family, or the fucking Guild?_

No one had an answer, so Jamisia continued crying messily on Hiroko’s shoulder.

 _I like her hugs_ , Zusu announced suddenly.

Jamisia could feel the Others’ surprise.  Zusu didn’t usually like anything.  _So do I,_ Jamisia declared, and felt Zusu’s gratitude for the support. _So, it’s decided then? We try trusting her, and see what happens._

Murmurs of agreement.  _She’s even smaller than we are,_ Derik said. _If she tries anything, I can kick her ass._

Jamisia hugged Hiroko tighter and, for the first time she could remember, felt they might have found a safe harbor.


End file.
